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With a live show coming up in just a little over a month, rehearsals have begun in full swing. Some of the songs in this concert they've never performed on stage before, so Eli had had to create new dances for them. Now that they've all had time to commit them to memory, all nine of them have gathered up to do a run-through of the choreography. They're not worried about singing for now -- instead, they let the recording play in the background as they focus on the dancing alone. Eli watches all the way throughout, commenting on each girl's performance and pointing out unsatisfactory areas. ("Rin, don't swing your arm up that high!" "Nico, your turn is too slow!") Nozomi smiles a little to herself as she listens to her voice, even when Eli calls for her to stand up straighter, and not fall behind. Eli's very good at being authoritative.

They get through the group dances first, then move on to the units, and finally, pairs. The very last song on the list is Glass Garden, and Eli resigns from her position in the peanut gallery, and joins Nozomi in the center of the roof. Nozomi offers her a grin. From her spot near the CD player, Rin announces "Okay, ready!", and when they respond in kind, hits play.

They've practiced it well, Nozomi thinks. There's a bit of tension to the choreography, like a fear of coming too close for too long -- but then, it might very well be all in her imagination. Regardless, Eli is as graceful and poised as ever, and at the end of it, Nozomi feels they did a pretty good job.

Honoka applauds. The others, though, don't appear as enthusiastic.

"Mmm... somehow, it's a little..." Kotori begins, but doesn't quite have the heart to finish the sentence. Thankfully, Umi picks it back up for her: "Wrong! Totally wrong! It doesn't capture the feeling of the song at all!"

"Right?" Nico chimes in. "The choreography blew! Eli, you were stiff as a pole! A song like that's gotta have appeal, you know? It needs on-stage chemistry! Without it, there's no point at all!"

Nozomi looks to Eli with a sheepishly raised brow. Maybe it wasn't just her imagination, then.

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"Okay," Nozomi murmurs. She should be happy with this. It's what she wanted all along. If they could just go back to being normal friends, it's really more than anything she could've asked for, and yet...

And yet her shoulders shake, and the sob wrangles its way from her throat before she has the chance to bite it back.

Eli feels that not in her throat grow the size of a big rock when Nozomi starts crying. She brings up her other hand to her back, wanting to comfort, but stops just short. What could she possibly offer Nozomi right now, when she is the very reason she's crying. She feels her own eyes watering.

In this moment, Eli has never hated herself more.

"I'm so sorry, Nozomi." Without another thought, Eli pulls Nozomi to her and wraps her arms around her. "Please don't cry."

Nozomi doesn't want to be crying, either. But once the first tears spill out there's no stopping them, no matter how incessantly she wipes at her eyes.

She doesn't want to be like this. She hates being this selfish. And though Eli undoubtedly wouldn't be holding her right now if she understood the full extent of how she felt, Nozomi sinks into her hold all the same.

"I am thinking about it," she answers the question Eli never really asked, voice small and choked between sniffs. "All the time."

Eli can't stop shaking and she doesn't know if it's really her or Nozomi. They're both just crying and holding each other in the bathroom and while she's sure it's a strange sight she wouldn't care if anyone saw them.

She doesn't even feel like letting Nozomi at her admission, and simply pulls her closer.

"I'm sorry," is all she keeps saying. She doesn't know what else to say. "I'm sorry." All the smiles and laughter, this whole time Nozomi was really forcing herself. Her voice is quiet against Nozomi. "It's okay. Me too."

Nozomi shakes her head at every one of Eli's apologies. "It's my fault," she repeats, one time more for every 'sorry'. She doesn't know if it's okay for her to hold her, but Nozomi can't stand to feel Eli quake against her back for much more than this -- before long, she caves, turning around and pressing her to her. Her nose squashes uncomfortably against the side of Eli's neck.

Her heart twists at that whimpered little 'me too', as if slanting sideways in her chest.

"It's not the same, Elichi..."

Eli just holds onto Nozomi tighter when she turns around, wrapping her arms around her shoulders and burying her nose into her hair. She had t realized just how long it'd been since they'd held each other, like they used to. Nozomi who hugged her and held her hand, shared everything with her. Had stayed behind for her.

"How isn't it the same, when we've both missed each other so much? It was my fault, I pulled away, when I shouldn't have."

Nozomi's blunt nails dig into the back of Eli's shirt as her fingers clench, helpless frustration bubbling up her throat. How is it the same? Does Eli really not realize? Has she forgotten about her feelings altogether?

"Because I want to kiss you!"

Nozomi's words ring in her mind.

There it is. That's the difference.

She'd never thought about kissing Nozomi. Had never really thought about kissing anyone, really. But then she also had never wanted to be so close to someone as she does with Nozomi. She doesn't want to lose her.

She created this distance between them and it feels like her worst mistake.

Eli breathes against Nozomi, shaky but determined. "Okay. You can kiss me."

"E-eh?" Nozomi starts, tears halting from sheer surprise. She pulls back a bit to look at Eli's face, blue eyes shining with new, yet-unshed tears, cheeks splotchy and wet with the old ones. In almost three years, this is the most miserable Nozomi's ever seen her, and knowing she's the one to cause it makes her stomach twist up in guilty knots.

And after all this, she has the nerve to consider taking her up on that offer for even a second?

"No, um..." Nozomi stammers through her fluster, shaking her head. She can feel her face growing warm beneath the sticky layer of half-dried tears. "I just got carried away. I shouldn't have... sorry."

In their years as best friends, they've never had a moment like this. They've shared very personal things, had moments where both were crying, but never something like this. Like a desperation to fix something that neither know how to even start figuring out.

Eli just wants it to stop.

She brings her hands to Nozomi's cheeks and cups them, thumbs brushing away at the wetness. "Nozomi, you're my best friend, and I mean that. The best friend I've ever had." Eli's lips shake, as she tries very hard to speak as clearly as she can through her sobs. She speaks slowly as her shoulders heave.

"When you told me your feelings, I all felt so muddled, I just had never had someone tell me that. I'd never thought that. But I... I think I wouldn't mind being kissed by you. I've never cared more about anyone."

Nozomi sees the earnestness in Eli's eyes, and her chest heaves, as if pulled down by an invisible weight. All Eli wants is to make this better. She wants them to be okay again, for her to be happy... but she doesn't want to kiss her, not really. That much is plain to see in her words. She's only doing this for Nozomi's sake.

Nozomi is grateful, but she's not that selfish.

... Maybe just a little bit.

Cupping Eli's chin, she guides it down as she stretches onto her tiptoes, and presses a kiss to her tear-stained cheek.

"Thanks, Elichi," she says, and finally pulls away from her hold.

Eli feels every muscle tense when Nozomi moves closer. Her heart beats faster and a small gasp escapes her lips. Nozomi's going to kiss her. Everything slows until the moment Nozomi only kisses her cheek. Her lips are soft and warm even in that all-too-quick contact.

Then Nozomi pulls away.

Eli feels her head reel a bit. She feels her whole body sink, that cold, clammy chill that lets you know: something just went wrong.

She doesn't have the strength or forethought to not let go of Nozomi, and as she slips away from her grasp, Eli feels so many other things slip away along with her.

She's left standing, arms half-outstretched, eyes wet and wide and confused.

She's just made a huge mistake.

Her voice is small, like a child scared to call out too loudly. "N-Nozomi?"

Edited 2014-08-22 15:07 (UTC)

Nozomi doesn't move too far, and in the face of Eli's weakness, finds the strength to summon that calm, patient smile back to her lips. She brushes at Eli's bangs with two fingers, gently, as if to say: it's okay. You don't have to push yourself.

"What is it?"

Eli brings her hands to her face before it contorts into an ugly sob.

Eli doesn't know how to respond to that question. She doesn't know what's wrong, or what's right, or what to do or think. She just hates what's happening, hates herself for not knowing what to do. Maybe also hates that Nozomi had to say anything and change everything.

As much as they try things will never go back.

Eli cries into her hands.

Nozomi winces at the sound, her smile dropping in an instant. She thought that this would be the right thing to do -- was even kissing her on the cheek too much?

Or, a small part of her dares to think before she stomps it down, is it that Eli wanted her to kiss her for real--

Of course not.

"Elichi..." She reaches out, softly tugging her hands away from her face. "I'm really sorry. I won't be selfish anymore. I won't say things like that again, so... you don't have to kiss me. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Okay?"

Edited 2014-08-22 16:51 (UTC)

Eli's grip isn't so tight or her arms so stiff that Nozomi can't pull them away, but she hates that she'll see her like this. She's sure her face has to be red and splotchy, features twisted, nose running. Her head sags forward and she feels her forehead bump against Nozomi.

"I want to..." She's still sobbing, words still interrupted by hiccups. "I want to..."

She closes her mouth and swallows. This isn't the time to keep pushing something like that, not for her, or Nozomi. She wouldn't want Nozomi to kiss her when she's like this anyway.

She nods against Nozomi, doing her best to calm herself. "Okay."

"I'm really sorry," Nozomi repeats, smoothing one hand down Eli's back in hopes of quelling her sobs. She doesn't know what Eli's trying to say at the end of that sentence, and she decides it's best not to press her for it. Right now, all she wants is for Eli to stop crying.

"You're my best friend, Elichi."

Words of comfort, but they're genuine; no matter how different her feelings are, that's one thing that won't ever change. Eli is the one person most precious to her in the world, and staying by her side is so much more important than getting to kiss her would ever be. Nozomi always knew that -- she just let herself slip. It was a mistake she won't repeat.

Without letting go a second time, she asks in a cotton-soft voice: "Why don't we wash our faces and get ready to go home?"

With Nozomi's soft and gentle arms around her, her comforting hand on her back, Eli feels able to calm herself down.

She nods, finally, sniffling and hiccuping like a small child who's been crying for too long.

Her voice is cracked from strain. "I didn't do my cool-down exercises."

Nozomi nods dimly. They've already talked about this, haven't they? "You'll do them at home, right?"

Eli doesn't let herself start crying again, even though she feels like she could.

You'll do them. Not we.

She knows she was the one who first said that, but it still hurts.

She nods again. "Yeah."

Defeated, Eli pulls away from Nozomi softly, turning to the sink to wash her face.

Then she stops. The whole purpose of this conversation, this awful conversation that they're having, is for things to get back to normal. For the two of them to try to get all of that back.

Eli turns back to Nozomi, hopeful she'll say yes and afraid she'll say no. "Would you help me do them?"

Edited 2014-08-22 18:03 (UTC)

Nozomi's face brightens in an instant, grinning widely through her puffy eyes and red cheeks. "Yeah, of course!"

But then she hesitates, tapping a finger to her chin. "Ah, but should we go back to the rooftop now? It's getting dark already..."

Nozomi's smile and immediate confirmation makes Eli smile too, and she breathes out a lot of tension.

Which then picks back up at Nozomi saying it's getting dark out.

"We could try the gym? If there's a team practicing there we'll just take up a corner. Or a classroom?" She'd really rather not do them in the dark.

"I think a classroom would be fine," Nozomi says thoughtfully, nodding her head. Then a predatory grin edges onto her lips as she leans over Eli's shoulder, voice rising and falling like the moan of a ghost in a bad horror film. "Or would you rather walk all the way to the gym in the daaaark?"

Eli lets out a tiny squeak before she can even stop it. Her hands ball into fists in front of her. "Nozomi! You know I hate that!"

"Ooh..." Nozomi drops her voice to a slow, unnerving whisper. "What if you're doing back stretches, and your head's bowed down so you can't see, and then from behind--" her voice sharply rises-- "a ghost comes out and grabs you!" Shaping her hand like a claw, she punctuates that shriek with a rake of nails down Eli's back.