toujou nozomi ☾☆☆ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
fortunetellings) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
ladieskissing2014-08-19 12:33 am
fortunetellings) wrote in ladieskissing2014-08-19 12:33 am
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For a long time, Nozomi convinced herself that this is fine. She's in love with Eli, but that doesn't matter -- she'll never ask anything of her, and she'll never say it aloud, and Eli will never, ever have to know. Then there's no problem, is there? They can just go on as friends, the way they were meant to be. This is just fine.
And for a bit over two years, it was. But she's been getting worse at hiding it, Nozomi knows. Eli's caught her staring more than once, and she's found her own hand lingering in places for longer than it ought -- Eli's back, her shoulder, the inside of her elbow.
She could keep laughing it off, pretending it was nothing -- but how much longer will it work? By this point, isn't she doing nothing but wait for Eli to be fed up with her? For the moment she'll inevitably say--
'Stop it. Stop lying. You think I can't tell what you're thinking?'
She's not going to put up with it forever.
But there's a way to avoid it, Nozomi's come to realize. Of course, she can't help what Eli will think; if it's something that'll ruin their friendship no matter what, then there's no way around it. But at the very least, Nozomi can avoid being a liar.
And then she won't have to dread the day Eli gets fed up.
The thought had taken root in her mind two weeks earlier. She did her best to block it out, at first, thinking it ridiculous. Why would she risk their friendship of her own accord? Why shouldn't she delay the inescapable for as long as she can? Is she stupid?
But the more time passed, the more firmly the idea cemented itself in the back of her skull, and the heavier Nozomi's guilt grew, as well. They had a live show a week after. In the changing room between songs, Eli turned to her, face flushed and glistening with sweat, and said with a laugh: 'Help me change out of this, okay?'
And as Nozomi's hands pushed the fabric of the dress from over warmed shoulders, she really hated herself a little, even though the pounding of her heart in her throat made it impossible to focus on for long. In that moment, it was worth it.
In the days that followed, though, she was only angrier at herself for having thought that.
Eli lets her touch her like that because they're friends. She lets her hug her and hold her hand and link her arm through hers because they're friends. Had she known Nozomi's real feelings, there's not a chance in the world that she would still allow it; and knowing that full well, Nozomi keeps her feelings secret.
She really is the worst.
When that single thought becomes louder than anything else, Nozomi gives in. She'll confess, she decides; she'll make it short and simple. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate or romantic -- those types are reserved for people expecting a positive answer. All she has to do is say it outright.
And whatever happens, happens.
It's Friday afternoon when she finally works up the resolve to go through with it. The day thus far has gone on per usual; school, student council work, practice on the roof. Nozomi kept her usual smile on her face. Everything has been completely, wonderfully normal.
And she's going to ruin all that.
The two of them are on the way out of school, when Nozomi abruptly grabs hold of Eli's wrists and begins tugging her sideways, away from the gate and deeper towards the yard.
"Elichi, can I have a minute?" she asks with a smile, after she's already started leading her away.
And for a bit over two years, it was. But she's been getting worse at hiding it, Nozomi knows. Eli's caught her staring more than once, and she's found her own hand lingering in places for longer than it ought -- Eli's back, her shoulder, the inside of her elbow.
She could keep laughing it off, pretending it was nothing -- but how much longer will it work? By this point, isn't she doing nothing but wait for Eli to be fed up with her? For the moment she'll inevitably say--
'Stop it. Stop lying. You think I can't tell what you're thinking?'
She's not going to put up with it forever.
But there's a way to avoid it, Nozomi's come to realize. Of course, she can't help what Eli will think; if it's something that'll ruin their friendship no matter what, then there's no way around it. But at the very least, Nozomi can avoid being a liar.
And then she won't have to dread the day Eli gets fed up.
The thought had taken root in her mind two weeks earlier. She did her best to block it out, at first, thinking it ridiculous. Why would she risk their friendship of her own accord? Why shouldn't she delay the inescapable for as long as she can? Is she stupid?
But the more time passed, the more firmly the idea cemented itself in the back of her skull, and the heavier Nozomi's guilt grew, as well. They had a live show a week after. In the changing room between songs, Eli turned to her, face flushed and glistening with sweat, and said with a laugh: 'Help me change out of this, okay?'
And as Nozomi's hands pushed the fabric of the dress from over warmed shoulders, she really hated herself a little, even though the pounding of her heart in her throat made it impossible to focus on for long. In that moment, it was worth it.
In the days that followed, though, she was only angrier at herself for having thought that.
Eli lets her touch her like that because they're friends. She lets her hug her and hold her hand and link her arm through hers because they're friends. Had she known Nozomi's real feelings, there's not a chance in the world that she would still allow it; and knowing that full well, Nozomi keeps her feelings secret.
She really is the worst.
When that single thought becomes louder than anything else, Nozomi gives in. She'll confess, she decides; she'll make it short and simple. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate or romantic -- those types are reserved for people expecting a positive answer. All she has to do is say it outright.
And whatever happens, happens.
It's Friday afternoon when she finally works up the resolve to go through with it. The day thus far has gone on per usual; school, student council work, practice on the roof. Nozomi kept her usual smile on her face. Everything has been completely, wonderfully normal.
And she's going to ruin all that.
The two of them are on the way out of school, when Nozomi abruptly grabs hold of Eli's wrists and begins tugging her sideways, away from the gate and deeper towards the yard.
"Elichi, can I have a minute?" she asks with a smile, after she's already started leading her away.
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"Ah, with the green tea ice cream, right? Yeah, I wanna try it!"
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The place isnt too far, but it feels like the longest walk they've had. Nozomi stays in front of her until they reach the place, and even there the distance between them is palpable. Eli thinks of when Nozomk would grab her arm or lace their fingers, moments that seemed simple and now she wonders if there was more behind them. She's too distracted to decide what she even wants to order.
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And, amongst all her confusing feelings, there's one thing Eli knows for certain: she doesn't want to lose Nozomi, no matter what. And she might if she can't snap out of this.
Eli takes quick breath and smiles. "Oh, right! The green tea one. It looks great. How about we also try this hazelnut one?"
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It arrives a few short minutes later, and Nozomi wastes no time in digging in, announcing with a beam: "Ah, it really is delicious!"
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She takes a spoonful of the green tea one and nods. "Ah, it is!"
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She nods again, this time more determinedly. "Me too!"