yazawa nico (
bringsmiles) wrote in
ladieskissing2014-10-05 12:16 am
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"Sorry for the intrusion," Nico mutters flatly as she takes off her shoes in the doorway, knowing full well that even if there was anyone in that labyrinth of a mansion but her and Maki right now, her voice would never be able to reach them. She follows Maki inside with her hands shoved into the pockets of her cardigan, head tilting left and right as she takes in her surroundings like it's her first time seeing them. There are so many pieces of overly-elaborate decor that Nico doesn't think she's ever going to remember them all.
Oh, but she definitely remembers that giant piece of armor on the wall over there. She always gets the feeling like if she gets too close it'll topple over and trap her underneath, so she subconsciously leans towards the opposite wall every time they pass by it.
"Seriously, Maki, no matter how many times I come to your house, it's just way too big," she grumbles, only to catch herself the next moment.
"-- But of course, once Nico's become a super idol, she'll have a mansion like this in every prefecture!" She strikes her signature pose and smile. "Teehee."
Oh, but she definitely remembers that giant piece of armor on the wall over there. She always gets the feeling like if she gets too close it'll topple over and trap her underneath, so she subconsciously leans towards the opposite wall every time they pass by it.
"Seriously, Maki, no matter how many times I come to your house, it's just way too big," she grumbles, only to catch herself the next moment.
"-- But of course, once Nico's become a super idol, she'll have a mansion like this in every prefecture!" She strikes her signature pose and smile. "Teehee."
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"It's just too different now..."
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"Well, which is it? Are you busy, or just overly sentimental?"
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She huffs and rolls her eyes, leaning back onto her arms and glaring to the side. "Just forget it," she mutters.
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She glances off to the side, not sure how comfortable she is with that admission now, but ultimately determined to remain honest still. Unlike a certain someone.
"'Cause Maki looked happy as part of u's."
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But Nico is right. Maki was happy in u's. As much as she was stubborn to join and help, and difficult every other time, she had been happy. She'd loved it.
And it's that very fact that makes her involvement in the idol research club all the more difficult. The loss of the seniors hit her the hardest. Hanayo and Rin had been able to tell and they'd taken on more work to let her take a break. But she was still upset. She didn't want to take a break. She just didn't know what to do.
And that was the truth.
"I... I was happy with u's." She says finally, voice low, still not looking back at Nico. "The happiest I'd been in a while. But that was with everyone, with Eli and Nozomi and Nico." Shes just repeating herself. She doesn't know any other way to say it. "I'm no good without the rest of you."
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Nico pauses to consider her words, and her voice loses a bit of its rough edge as she continues. "Look, at the start of last year we were all just a bunch of mismatched strangers, and by the end of it we'd become -- us, you know? We got to know each other. We won the Love Live. That happened in just one year. When you think about it that way, it seems obvious that a lot more great things can happen this year too, right? You can make even more precious memories. Won't you regret missing it just because you're so hung up on the past?"
A bit clunkily, she sits back down next to Maki and adds: "And you still have us, stupid."
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And she knows everything Nico is saying is true. It all makes sense, of course. It should be that easy. She knows Nico's right and she should just accept it.
But she can't. And she doesn't feel it.
She feels lost. Disconnected. She wants to stay in the idol group but a voice in her head keeps asking her what it's good for. She wants to study hard and get into a good school, but a little voice tells her she'll regret not having any fun. No matter what she decides there's always a voice pulling her in the opposite direction.
When Nico sits down next to her, her weight shifts Maki on the bed and it's like her thoughts jumble enough for them to clear for a moment.
'You still have us.
She knows she does. When she texts Nico she always responds quickly. Nozomi checks in on her more than she needs to, and Eli is never too far behind. She knows they're there. It's just still different.
Maki's always been too hard-working or stand-offish to really make friends. Usually people hate her. But somehow these eight people never did. And the slightest change to them makes her afraid she'll lose them anyway.
Her glare has changed to a look of worry, her cheeks red from holding back tears. Like she's holding everything back.
She doesn't even know where to start, if she wants to say anything at all.
Finally, Maki reaches out a hand and places it on top of Nico's.
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But not a single word of protest leaves her mouth, and instead, she reaches for her hand. This situation feels so alien to Nico that she honestly has no idea what to do. Her shoulders tense, and her first instinct dictates she should pull back her hand, but even she knows well enough not to act on it.
"... Oy," she says after a brief yet uncomfortably weighty pause. "What is it?"
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"N-nothing, nevermind," she mutters and stands up to pace to the other side of the room, not really looking for anything in particular. She walks to the first thing she sees -- the intercom -- and pretends that's what she was going for. She presses the button and, "Kaya?"
It takes a moment for the response, "Yes, Miss Maki?"
"Could you bring some snacks and juice? Whatever we have is fine."
"Right away, Miss."
"Thank you." Maki remains standing near the intercom as if not sure what to do next and feeling to embarrassed to look back at Nico.
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She's just not sure how to go about asking for it.
Nico gets to her feet again, shortening the distance between the two of them by a couple of steps.
"Maki, you're kind of weird today."
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"I do know you. Whether you like it or not."
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"Well you don't know everything about me, so stop acting like you do," Maki mutters.
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"I can't because I don't know!! I don't know what I really want to do with my future, alright?! Is that what you want me to say?! All I know is I'm sad and stressed all the time and not having you there just makes me feel sadder! And I know it's not fair to Hanayo or Rin but I'm just a burden to the group like this anyway!"
Maki only stops because her voice cracks hard and hurts her dry throat.
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"I apologize for the wait, young ladies," she says. The sight of the two of them gives her pause. "... Is everything all right?"
"Yeah," Nico quickly answers, and then lowers her head with the sort of politeness she always shows the woman, and never displays anywhere else. "Thank you very much." She takes the tray from her, and Kaya leaves them both to it with a bow.
Nico sets down the tray on Maki's desk, taking a seat in one of the chairs. The air in the room, that seconds before felt heated to the point of combustion, was now heavy and stiff with silence. The words that had come to her mind have already scattered back into the dark corners of her skull.
Nico raises the cup to her lips and takes a long sip.
"You could've just said that from the start, idiot," she murmurs with a soft puff of steam.
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She watches Nico for a moment, glancing away occasionally, but waiting for her to say something else.
"That's all you have to say?"
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